The Hidden Self-Shame Sabotaging Your Career

A client watched one of their colleagues take up a lot of space at work. 

"I can't believe how obvious they are in their pursuit of promotion. They go overboard with the flattery of the boss. It's uncomfortable to witness." the client told me. 

My client wanted the promotion as well. But they didn't want to be pushy, greedy, or opportunistic like they perceived their colleague to be. 

This put my client in a bind. They wanted the promotion but didn't want to do what seemed necessary to get it. They felt paralyzed. When this tension would reach a certain point, they would start questioning the whole thing: "Do I even want this?", "Is it even worth it?", "Maybe I'm not cut out for this?".

I've seen this scenario play out for many clients over the years. Pursuing what we desire can often make us feel vulnerable. It's tempting to channel our discomfort with vulnerability into judging others. While we seem to judge others, we're shaming ourselves for wanting the same thing. This is a sign of an internal conflict that needs clarifying and healing, so that we can find our own relationship with what we want.

Whenever the question of the future of my client's career came up, it all became one big entangled blur. The shaming mainly happened unconsciously. The client didn't even consider themselves judgmental towards those chasing promotion. It made sense that their colleague did what they did. Yet it also annoyed them. 

"They are not as smart as they think they are." the client would tell me. 

"Their desire to please is excessive." my client disapproved.

"Whenever I ask you about your wish for promotion, your attention goes to your colleagues. I wonder what's so uncomfortable about being with your desire?" I reflected. 

After a long pause, "Ohhh I'm ashamed of myself for wanting the promotion!" the client noticed. 

The client saw that the self-shaming was an attempt to protect themselves from being seen wanting something this bad. It felt scary and vulnerable. 

It is scary to want something while the outcome is uncertain. Yet shaming ourselves is not an effective way to address the fear.

Self-shaming has neurobiological consequences. It creates a thick fog of confusion and a sensation of paralysis. This ensures we won't go after what we wish or even know whether we want it. It keeps us stuck and undecided.

As we continued to explore, my client was able to get in touch with their unique "why" behind the desire. This went beyond the surface-level reasons, such as it being the logical next step or expected of them by others. Connecting with their personal why helped my client find their own relationship to promotion. It enabled them to access courage and resolve to take the uncomfortable steps. 

If you feel stuck in your career, I'm sure you have excellent reasons to put yourself under the spell of paralysis. It may no longer be necessary, though.

When you feel it's time to come out of the spell, you can start by noticing what judgments you carry around what you aspire towards. What annoys you about the people who pursue or have what you want? That would reveal where you might be self-shaming. 

Often, the only thing you need to get what you want is to stop shaming yourself for wanting it.